is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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