some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This is my gift to your gina
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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