God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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