Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
The beer is more important than you right now.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
