The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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