I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
