I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
