My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
