the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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