oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
i think my cat just said my name.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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