so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
