FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
