I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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