i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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