Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
