you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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