Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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