Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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