I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
