i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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