he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
