My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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