no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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