does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
