I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
