You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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