That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
