you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
