i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
