I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize