feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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