turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just high enough for therapy.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
