a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This baby is an asshole
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
