She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
