Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
