he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
