Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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