two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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