Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
