if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
