U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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