We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
And then the night went full on bisexual.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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