I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
