Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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