I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
