Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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