My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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