Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
