my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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