I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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