mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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