I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
