Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
