My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
